Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
