I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
