so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I will be naked everywhere
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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