Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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