the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
