If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Randomize
