im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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