I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
