If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
