really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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