Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
