he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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