Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
