You're completely useless in the revolution.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
