I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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