I wish I could punch you in the face.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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