The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
