Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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