She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Found the puke drawer
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
We need to get me chipped asap
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
