theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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