My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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