Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
