Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
