The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
You pole danced in your parka.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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