he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
