the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
