When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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