whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
