But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
