Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
then he tried to convert me to islam
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
