just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
How naked do you want me to be?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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