nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
