You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
