Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Maybe he injected his testicle?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
