Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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