honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
