Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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