I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
two words...techno handjob
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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