Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
You dont lie about slip and slides
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
