i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
