These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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