i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
