Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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