so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
