when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
