Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
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