The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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