we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
