her vagina looked like bernie madoff
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
