Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Randomize
