You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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