i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
