I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
