I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
