the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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