k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
