Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
