Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Randomize
