When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
