He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I could fuck to npr.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
