Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
