so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
