i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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