She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
